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“I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!”

Stephen Wright quotes (American Actor and Writer, b.1955)

About: Funny quotes.

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“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

Drew Carey quotes (American Comedian, b.1958)

Similar Quotes. About: Humor quotes, Funny quotes, Hate quotes, Jobs quotes.

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“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”

Will Shriner quotes (American Comedian, b.1953)

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Death and dying quotes.

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“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”

Rodney Dangerfield quotes (American Comedian, 1921-2004)

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Relationships quotes.

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“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”

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“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

Jack Handey quotes (American Comic Writer, Comedian and Actor on SNL. Famous for his Deep Thoughts, b.1949)

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“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.”

Lynda Montgomery quotes

Similar Quotes. About: Food quotes, Funny quotes.

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“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

Emo Philips quotes

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Forgiveness quotes.

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“Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.”

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“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'”

Charles M. Schulz quotes (American cartoonist, 1922-2000)
Character: Charlie Brown quotes. Book: Peanuts quotes

Similar Quotes. About: Humor quotes, Wisdom quotes, Funny quotes, Lies quotes, Questioning quotes.

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“Remember in elementary school you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”

Warren Hutcherson quotes

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